Delusions of ingenuity
Delusions of ingenuity
  • Hometalker
  • Eureka, IL

Me, Myself, and Buffet - a Neurotic Makeover


Hello there!
Does this post title make you experience a bit of déjà vu? No worries. It doesn't last long, and it doesn't leave a rash or anything.
You may be experiencing déjà vu due to the fact I shared a post called Me, Myself, and Chair a while back. If you recall, I regaled you with the conversation I had with my wingback chair, which then led to a spot of trouble in which we became embroiled. If you
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet has been whispering inappropriate notions in my ear for quite some time. I'm normally able to ignore the voices in my head, but Buffet has been persistent.
Buffet started whispering...red...
At first, I thought he was going all Stephen King on me and was trying to say redrum. Yeah, like that didn't freak me out at all.
Red...
Me: Have you lost your mind? Red?
Buffet: Are you kidding me? You're the one who let me watch Deadpool fourteen times. I'm totally channeling Deadpool. He's my very funny valentine!
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Me: You've got six legs. Aren't you closer to emulating Spider-Man?
Buffet: I might have six legs, but at least MINE don't have Spider-Veins.
Spider-Vein, Spider-Vein, does whatever a Spider-Vein does.
Me: You suck. Red, you say? Sure, why not? That seems reasonable enough. And I am seriously tired of your oak-iness.
Buffet: Listen. I'm sedentary. I'm getting old and saggy, and it's not like I have a choice in the matter. The least you can do is get off your assets and do something about it. I want to be noticed again! I want to be a focal point! Me me me me me! All the other furniture point and laugh at me. You painted an upholstered CHAIR, for cryin' in your beer cheese soup. And you've left me here to rot.
Me: Okay, Frankenbuffet. You got it.
Buffet's top was in terrible shape and I was able to sand him down by hand.
Don't think he didn't complain about having a serious case of diaper rash by the time I was finished.
I continued to dismember and sand Buffet. I threatened to take his legs off if he mentioned my spider veins again.
Suddenly, a moment of peace.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
After an initial sanding, I cleaned all of Buffet's nether regions with a 50/50 mix of water and denatured alcohol.
He giggled.
Then I sanded him again out of spite.
Once he was prepped and ready, I stained his top with Java Gel by General Finishes.
Buffet's innards got primed and coated in a 50/50 mix of ASCP Old White and Pure White. Buffet's sexy bod is getting two coats of General Finishes Milk Paint in Brick Red.
I love this paint. It went on very smoothly and covered with two coats. It even smelled good.
Which is weird, I know.
Everything was coated with General Finishes High Performance Top Coat in flat. The top got five coats; everything else got a single coat.
Buffet is dancing around like an obnoxious kid ready for Kindergarten and I'm ready to slap him into next week.
So let's get to the after pics.
Life . . . life . . . give my creation . . . LIFE!
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Hey. I don't know that this is my exact color. WTH?
Me: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to photograph red? You picked this color, you dork. Do you want me to show the one that looks orange?
Buffet: No way. I'm not an Oompa Loompa.
Me: Shut up and stand still so I can take more pictures.
Buffet: You're showing my hooter now?
Me: You're a dude. We don't call it that. But you do have a nice knob. In fact, you have two nice knobs. Lovely clock knobs from Hobby Lobby. They don't have hands, though, so you can't tell what time it is.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Does anybody really know what time it is?
Does anybody really care?
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Those flowers make me look amazing. Now give me some close-ups, please.
Me: You are intolerable.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Random Eddie shot.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: I have a beautiful top.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Me: This is getting ridiculous.
Buffet: No way. Chicks dig me. At least show them all the fancy I've got going on in my drawers.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: And my special compartments...
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: And my sexy (sans spider-vein) leg.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Do those flowers make my saddlebags look fat?
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Me: We must end this.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Fine. Give them another before and after.
Me: You are so narcissistic.
Buffet: I learned from the best.
me myself and buffet a neurotic makeover, painted furniture
Buffet: Why does this last picture of me look like I belong in a dollhouse?
Me: I have no idea. But if you don't shut up I'm kicking you to the curb.
Buffet: Our neighborhood doesn't have curbs.
Me: Semantics.
Buffet: I'm always up for some antics.
Me: Shoot me.
*****************
Buffet would like to thank you for visiting, and to come visit and follow his blog linked up below!
Delusions of ingenuity

Want more details about this and other DIY projects? Check out my blog post!

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Have a question about this project?

3 of 7 questions
  • Bettye Martinez
    on Jul 26, 2016

    Well, you love red as much as your buffet and I do! What color did you choose to put on him? It's beautiful and you did a marvelous job!! If he's not happy at your house he can certainly come and live with me! I have conversations with my furniture too so I know how you feel. Love the red.

  • Jan
    on Jul 26, 2016

    buffet top, what did you stain,? paint? it in? Thanks, jan

  • Christy Roppel
    on Aug 18, 2016

    I see you've left the "design" part in the center area unpainted. Can you tell me how/what you did? Just tape around it and stain? Thanks! "HE" is such a handsome dude!

    • Delusions of ingenuity
      on Aug 19, 2016

      Hi there! I sanded the entire piece to prepare for paint, but those 2 small pieces of veneer I sanded down to bare wood. I stained them first, then carefully painted up to the veneer. No taping involved, just as steady a hand as I could manage! Thanks for visiting!

Join the conversation

2 of 110 comments
  • Sandy
    on Oct 13, 2016

    I too talk to my project specimens! I find it therapeutic. I don't get out much. Lol Apparently neither do you. Haha

  • CYBRCOOK
    on Jan 24, 2017

    I hope you take this in the "serious" manner it's intended: are you a comedienne? writer? (who diy's)? If not, please consider this as you are beyond clever and hilarious!

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