How can I update some cruddy faux oak cabinets?

Clean with TSP, prime with oil based primer and paint with oil based paint.

How to Paint Cabinets

Make sure they are clean and dry. Remove the doors and hardware. Mark the doors and cabinets with tape where they go. Lightly sand the doors and cabinets to remove any gloss and roughen the surface for paint with 220-grit sandpaper. Use a tack cloth or damp rag to remove dust after sanding. Prime with a stain blocking primer like KILZ. Acrylic, or water-base, paints are low-fume and clean up easily with water. Alkyd, or oil-base, paints require good ventilation because the paint contains solvents that can irritate your lungs and make you feel sick. Alkyd options require mineral spirits for cleanup, but they provide a hard, durable paint finish. Whichever you use, buy the best-quality paint you can afford for a lasting kitchen cabinet finish. Seal with at least three coats with a water based polyurethane. Use a small foam roller and foam brush for a smooth finish.

Hi Lauren, I believe there is a Rustoleum kit that is made for painting laminate cabinets. It's an epoxy based product and available in a few colors. I believe you can get it at Home Depot.

Sand the laminate really well to rough it up. This helps the paint adhere better. Once it is sanded, prime it then use a couple of coats of your paint. I think this would work well. It may still scratch so be careful with it but the chances of scratching are reduced with sanding and priming. Good luck!

Here's one way: https://thehoneycombhome.com/painting-kitchen-cabinets/