What do I do with the outdated turned posts holding up my front porch?
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You dont say much about the rest of the house, but several things come to mind. Support the roof, and replace with something more updated. Clad them in cement board, and stucco. Possibly something like this pvc post cover. http://www.wholesalemillwork.com/pages/COLUMNS.html
do you have carpentry skills, or know someone who can help you? you could make wooden boxes to enclose the entire posts to make them look more substantial.
Did you ever watch "Fixer Upper?" They can easily E boxed in and beefed up into something more substantial if that is what you are wanting.
Here are some links to give you some ideas.
http://www.hgtv.com/remodel/outdoors/porch-posts-and-columns
https://www.pinterest.com/explore/porch-columns/
https://www.front-porch-ideas-and-more.com/porch-columns.html
use 1xs box in to make it square..trim top and bottom with molding