Can you cover fake brick (on kitchen wall) with anything but paint!?

sure...how about those really cool metallic looking sheets of tiles? I have them as a backslash and they look great...even sell them at Walmart !

Several ideas. 1) If you like the look of beadboard or shiplap, you can nail and/or glue panels over the fake brick. MDF Beadboard will be about 1/4" thick while shiplap will be about 1/2" to 1" thick. 2) First vacuum the entire surface then paint with a good primer. Cover with several thin layers of drywall plaster. You will need to sand or use a spray on texture to get it to match the other walls in your house. 3) Most people would kill for a brick wall but I can understand that faux brick looks, well, faux. Try filling all the "grout" lines about 1/2 way full with real grout. Then go over the whole wall with a damp sponge to remove any grout that go onto the "brick". It is the faux grout that makes the faux brick panels look so fake.

Painting this faux grossness I'm assuming sponge paint to keep the brick looking authentic. Previous owners just painted a gross peach color all over it ugh

You could attack this from another direction. Why not just change the color of the grout or mortor and then white wash the brick (not paint) to lighten it slightly?

Panels - Sheet Tiles, Overboard, then decorate to taste.

Oh sure! You can use peel and stick tiles, probably anaglypta wallpaper, or other wall boards.